A Masquerade to Eternity

“When are you due?”

The familiar words rang in my ears, silencing the crashing waves at high tide. Only this time, my heart did not leap at the opportunity to answer. This time, my mind spoke in its place, taking on the persona of reason and composure. I found myself at the ready to guard the hearts of the two strangers who stood before me on this overcast Manzanita Saturday; strangers who were not braced for the reality of my world.

“I’m not actually……”

The first woman who asked the question shied away. The other woman’s eyes bounced back and forth in anticipation, wondering who would speak next.

“I did just have a baby though, so I can understand why you may have thought that.”

The mood lightened. My reality lifted and it was as though, for that one brief moment, River had not died—that I was about to tell these wary strangers that she was simply napping at the house with Grandma while Mommy and Daddy enjoyed some beach time together.

No sooner could I imagine that longed-for reality did I come back to earth at a screeching halt. If I wanted to spare myself of hearing the questions that follow, I needed to act fast.

“We had a daughter but, unfortunately, she passed away.”

Sadness. Confusion. Regret.

“This would have been her first beach trip…..we were very excited to—“

The conversation then shifted directions. These women were frightened, unable to hear any more details. They asked how long we had been coming to this beach, where we were staying, where we were from. It turned out these women also lived in SE Portland, one of which was a teacher at Gilbert Heights Elementary School. An air of disguise then began to float over us like a bubble filled with the waters of our masquerade. It was as though the further away from my baby we got, the higher the covering rose, growing stronger and less likely to collapse. These women became frantic, desperate to talk of anything but the horror of the truth. They feared the mere mention of my sweet River would burst our comfort bubble, bringing the waters of reality crashing down on our heads….soaking us to our core.

I understood. I understood why they couldn’t talk about it, why they needed to escape. If I had the chance, I’d run too…far away, where no sorrow could touch even the tips of my toes. As I write those words, I realize that this is not an imagined place I seek. A place like this does exist. It is a place where I no longer need to retreat to the ashes of my once-lived child, for she will be before my very eyes, whole and perfect. It is a place that exists without tears and pain; with me forever in the arms of Love, sheltered by the wonders of such a beautiful Place. It’s an Everlasting Place.

Do you know this Place?

Will I meet you there someday, too?

The choice is yours.