A Help to Helpers

Over the course of time in my online Stillbirth discussion forums and various paperwork from the hospital, I have found a common thread of articles that speak to those who are on the outside of the parental grief process. Some suggest handing out this information to family and friends following a loss. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I feel that these pointers would be helpful to some of you who are looking for some guidance on how to interact with Spencer and I now that we fit into the category of grieving mother and father.

Please know that I post this in love and hope that somewhere in here you can find things to make us all a little more comfortable in this uncomfortable phase of life. Here is a compilation of the information I have found:

From a grieving parent’s perspective:

 I understand that a specific request makes it easier for you to be involved when you otherwise wouldn’t know what to do or say. I will do my best to ask when I need something.

Please respect my need to talk and be heard. Be a good listener.

When mentioning my child, please use [her] name. It validates [her] life and keeps [her] memory alive.

Please respect my need to decline discussing details I don’t want to share. 

Please be understanding if my feelings of upset surface when you or someone else makes an insensitive remark. If I feel up to it, I will take the opportunity to educate you or others about pregnancy loss, telling you how you could respond more helpfully. 

Sometimes I will not be able to attend celebrations because I am too emotionally raw. If this happens, I will send my regrets. If you care for me, you will understand. 

The worst comments you can say to someone who has lost a child: 

“You can/will have another baby” or “You’re young. You have plenty of time to have more children.” Being young does not make it any easier. Parents need to mourn the baby they have lost. Children are not replaceable. 

“You didn’t really know the baby, so it’s not like losing a child who has lived with you awhile.” Although there is a distinction between these two losses, this is not a comforting comment. They have lost the dream of having that particular child. Although their loss may be different from losing an older child, it should never be deemed unworthy of grief. They are sad because they will never know this baby in this lifetime.

(To the mother) “If you’re sad, it’s probably because you have Postpartum Depression.” Assuming that a grieving mother automatically has PD because she is sad is a grave mistake. Dealing with emotional highs and lows are much different postpartum, especially when grief over death is added. Most mothers are well educated and informed to be on the lookout for signs of PD.

“Time heals all wounds” or “In time you will forget this ever happened.”  No amount of time can fully heal the wound left by [her] death. Their child will never just “go away” and they will never forget [her].  It is simply something the parents will learn to cope with. Over the course of time, things will improve but parents are not exempt from feeling as though their wound has been re-opened by triggering events such as celebrations, milestones, holidays and the birth of other children.

“I know how you feel.” Unless you have been through a similar loss, (in this case, the loss of a full term baby) this phrase may ring false and bring up feelings of anger. He/she will have wished you had asked how they were feeling instead. 

“What are you going to do now?” or “When will you try again?” Parents may be too stunned by their loss to make plans about a future family. This question is an invasion of their privacy unless they volunteer to talk about it. They would much rather talk about the baby they just lost.

The best comments you can say:

“I’m so sorry, I know how much you wanted to have that baby” This statement acknowledges the parent’s sorrow and gives then permission to grieve. 

“It’s okay to cry.” This response validates the parent’s feelings and his/her need to express them without embarrassment or guilt. 

“Would you like to talk about__________([River], what happened, how you’re feeling today) ?” The friend or relative who responds with this sensitive question offers the best support possible—a willing ear, a comforting shoulder and a healthy respect for the parent’s needs. 

“Is there anything I can do for you?” If family and friends offer consolation through practical help, this allows the parents to say what they need, be it helping with a meal or even saying a prayer.

“May I call you back or check in with you in a few days to see how you are doing?” After a while they may find that others no longer want to talk about their loss. Family and friends who assure them that they will continue to listen and comfort them in the months to come are truly loved ones.

Some general info:

Having people say nothing at all hurts deeply because it negates our loss and the impact it has had on our lives. On the other hand, simply saying “I don’t know what to say” is honest and acknowledges the dimensions of our sorrow as well as your inability to completely understand. Talking about the loss helps us remember our baby.