For the Moments I Feel Faint

Am I at the point of no improvement?

I try to excel but I feel no movement.

I throw up my hands,

Oh, the impossibilities.

Frustrated and tired, where do I go from here?

Now I’m searching for the confidence I’ve lost…

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear.

For the moments I feel faint I am trying to find my peace in the Lord. For the moments I feel faint I try to take a deep breath……….and choose to think of the beautiful existence my River now has. I miss her so. Each day brings new challenges. I have yet to feel true joy again but I know it will come with time. Mostly I just battle my fears and convince myself of their minimalism.

Not having consistent internet access for the last few weeks has given me ample time to think and reflect. I have been able to spend more time just being and not worrying about what everyone else is up to. It’s given me more time to feel my grief. I have to admit, it is a little scary. Typically I do not have time to feel all of the effects of the grief process but as of late I have been feeling them in full swing. Numbness is a new one. It is the one I tried to avoid feeling, if that makes any sense. While attempting to feel every little thing, my survival mechanism kicks in after a while and I find myself numb, unable to dig into my grief any longer. It is likely because I am so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Gaining energy back is no small feat. At the end of the day, my body and mind are so run down, I simply cannot muster up enough energy to feel my pain. So I am numb.

Spencer and I have moved into a house. It’s been a huge process but I believe it has been worth it. At first I did not want move. In fact, I was angry that the process was so easy. I didn’t want to leave the home where I carried my baby girl for nine precious months. I didn’t want to leave the nursery we so lovingly painted…I didn’t want to ever forget her and the times we shared…the only times we will ever share. But, after much prayer, the Lord said “move.” So here we are. Waiting for the next step. Spencer and Kara (our new roommate and past comrade) have a “film studio” in which to work on projects and I have a sunroom. A sunroom! This is where I will be starting my very first voice studio. I am actually quite thrilled. It’s something I’ve always imagined myself doing and I am finally getting the opportunity to do it. Not just because my baby died (because, to my surprise, that’s what a lot of people think) but because my daughter lived. River’s life has been an inspiration to me in so many ways. I feel that the moment I saw her, I truly saw a glimpse of God. I feel that Spencer and I both also saw our potential. He and I had a very moving discussion about this shortly after she was born. We both felt we were able to see for the first time who we were meant to be. Now, it wasn’t like looking into some sort of crystal ball that showed our future (what we looked like, where we worked, how much money we had) but rather a feeling of intense purpose. We were assured by God that He still had a specific purpose for our lives, both individually and together. We have always known of God’s love and have always understood the concept of His plan but this was a much different experience. It was an awakening of sorts. And it now continues to revive us every-now-and-again, reminding us that the Lord still has His hand on us—that He’s not letting go.

Below are so pictures from the memorial we made of painting back River’s nursery before the move. I hope you find them a comfort.