Fireworks from Heaven

Could she see me as I stood on the sand near the river’s shore, staring at the very pregnant mother who sat in her bikini, watching her children play in the cool water? Did she hear my thoughts when I wished that I could hold her right then?

 The fourth of July has never been my favorite holiday but for some reason, I was more excited than usual this year. As my belly grew in those last months, I kept thinking of how cute it would be to dress my little one up in red, white and blue and parade him or her around when the day finally came. When I think about it now, it’s achingly painful. Since the moment I saw her in that bonnet at the hospital, I couldn’t stop imagining taking her to the church picnic in a frilly red, white and blue dress with a hat to match. I feel as though it is almost more painful that my darling turned out to be a baby girl because of the day-dreams and “what ifs” that precious bonnet evokes.  

My heart hurts. It just hurts.

I know to some it may look like my progress through this grief has regressed…my blogs have gone from expressing feelings of peace to feelings of sadness and discomfort. The truth is, it was easier for me to find peace when this all first happened. The hard part now is holding on to it. Deep down, I still have the same faith in knowing where my River is—I know she is rejoicing in Heaven and is having a wonderful time. I’ve never really worried about that part. It’s the “what do I do now?” thing that gets me. Each day is a struggle to remember what I believe and practice it. I’m ashamed to say I’ve fallen behind in my Bible reading. I used to do it every morning but waking up is a task now, to say the least. I know that a quiet time with the Lord is important but it’s a real struggle for me to keep up with it. When I try to read in the mornings, all I can remember is reading in bed and watching my Bible thump while it rested on my belly. She always said “good morning” to me that way.

I can’t do anything thing the way I used to. It feels wrong, in a way. But I don’t know how to change either. I feel like if I mix up my routine and do something different, then I have forgotten about her…even though I still feel the hole in my heart every second of every day. A part of me is missing and I feel like my heart is going crazy trying to find it. My mind knows where she is but the rest of me just feels lost.

As I stood watching the sky glow with light last night, I wondered if she could see the fireworks from Heaven. I wondered if she missed me…as much as I miss her. I wondered how long it would be until I could hold her and smother her with kisses. I wished in that moment for time to stop—to rewind back to those last days with her safely inside of me. I wished that God would have let her stay so she didn’t have to watch the fireworks from Heaven…and could have watched them in my arms.