We weren't trying for a baby when we got pregnant. We like to say that we weren't not trying for one. At that point, neither of us were sure if that was God's plan so we decided we really just needed to leave it up to Him. When the test came up positive, "shock" was the only word we could use to describe our initial reaction. I almost think I was more shocked than he was. We knew this was a possibility but the reality of it was still unfathomable. The first few days with the new title of pregnancy were tough. Of course, we freaked out about bills and finances and what our parents would think. Having enough money for the two of us was hard enough at that point. But we knew that if God gave us this baby, He would provide. It's hard to look back now and know that our story was headed to this ending...right from the very start. To know that when we were given those hospital bills, we wouldn't have our beautiful baby to help soften the blow of the cost, to feel like it was "worth it."
I can't help but think of it in music and movie terms--go figure. I see it as a film with a sad underscore. All the while we were smiling and laughing, the music playing in the background was foreshadowing the devastating event that now looms over us. I know it's fairly dramatic to think in these terms but it's all I know. It's who I am. I can't help it.
As I prepared for Sunday, my emotions went back and forth between excitement and sorrow, joy and pain. I bought Spencer a new wallet and had it engraved with the words, "River's Daddy" on the front. It brought a smile to my face and a deep ache in my heart. I knew he would be so proud to read those words. He is such a good Dad. It kills me to see him long for our daughter, to see him look at little girl clothes in the store, just as I do. To hear him say things like: "I was imagining pulling her around in a little red wagon...I think she would have liked that."
I know she would have liked that. And I so desperately want to see him do that. Right now. But, alas, I am pulled back into the knowledge that this will never happen. Not with our River.
Sunday was challenging. Before we left for church, I had him open his gifts (a new shirt, a book of poetry and the wallet, of course). We sat together and cried. Just cried. I was so sad for him. Today was supposed to be much different. Like I said before, I knew the baby would come early. Because of my gut feeling, I told our pastor months before that we wanted to dedicate the baby on Father's Day during the service. What a proud moment that would have been for Spencer.
As he sat on the couch and I sat at his feet, we looked into one another's eyes and, without words, expressed our disappointment that today would be just another day at church. We wouldn't have to apologize for being late because the baby kept us up the night before. We wouldn't have to make sure to keep her dress clean for the ceremony. We wouldn't have to entertain family while they were in town to celebrate with us. Instead, we did what we do for every holiday: We hit the road, just the two of us. Without a baby, we were mobile and could make the drive to Vancouver and Portland to be with our families on Father's Day. Without a baby, we had no excuse to stay home and play.
Without our baby we were back to life as it was before. Only this time, we knew what we were missing...
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