Buckle up. This is a LONG one.
It’s been hard to write lately. I feel as though so many things are going on that I don’t know where to begin—not where to begin in the re-telling. I’m great at remembering details. It’s where to begin with the dismantling of my emotions.
I love to write, I really do. The problem with writing, however, is that it forces one to process. Lately, I have not been interested in processing. It’s been easier to leave things, to set them aside. Some things I don’t think I can handle processing, others I feel I’m ready to. So, I guess if I had to break down the current struggles I’m willing to process, it would look something like this: New Pregnancies, New Births, Holidays, and Forgetting & Remembering.
Note**: Since this is my blog, I will share openly with how I feel. Lately, I’ve been hesitant to put things down in writing because I know people read this thing. Originally, I thought I would just write and keep it private but since so many have told me they appreciate my blogs, I figure I should keep posting…even if it’s hard. In writing about the following things, I will trust that those of you who may be sensitive to this subject matter will respect and value my opinions and feelings. After all, this is my safe space.
New Pregnancies:
While I am thrilled for the new babies coming into this world, I can’t help but feel frustration when I see how many parents are not excited to meet their children. By that I mean that I have seen many people becoming pregnant on “accident” and having to deal with the repercussions of their actions. It truly saddens me to see people classify their pregnancies like this...as an “oops,” if you will. Don’t misunderstand me when I say this. Know that I believe there is a difference in getting pregnant by surprise and enjoying it—River was a wonderful surprise! What I mean is that it saddens me to see people surprised who weren’t ready and open to having a child and thus regretting the events leading up to the pregnancy, if you catch my drift. Spencer and I weren’t “trying” per se, but we were open to a family and wanted the Lord to decide when He would bless us with a child. We still feel that way.
When I see people regretting pregnancy, my selfish nature kicks in. I think things like: “It’s not fair. They weren’t even trying to have a baby. They didn’t desire to start a family. I did. So why didn’t I get to have my chance?” I remind myself that I believe in a good God—that I believe in His ultimate plan. His plan. His timing. Sometimes I feel very impatient so I look to God’s Word:
Isaiah 40:31
31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
New Births:
Similar to the pregnancy issue, I have been struggling with seeing all of the newborn babies I am surrounded by. I have always been a baby-lover. I still am. I cannot help but feel such emptiness though when I hold a newborn baby and know it isn’t mine. I still find my arms restless. I long for snuggles and the feeling of a baby’s warmth on my chest. I am fortunate to have a dear friend with a newborn in that I can do those physical things now. I have chances to hold the baby, kiss the baby, sing and snuggle. It’s painful but wonderful. It gives me the chance to experience the physicality of it but also reminds me of what I could have had…what I’ve never had. It’s hard not to get discouraged when I see new parents showing off their pride and joy. It’s so hard.
Now, I know this will be a touchy subject but I’m going to be brave and say it anyway: It’s hard for me when I hear of new moms taking trips and going out without their newborns. Because I know what it feels like to lose my child, I don’t think I could ever do that…at least not in the newborn phase. I don’t know (if I have another child) when I’ll be okay being away from him or her. I don’t know…There. I said it.
Holidays:
I’ve been very aggravated with holidays this year. You may remember my 4th of July post—I felt a lot of sadness and anger. Well, it’s happening again. I started choosing Christmas repertoire for my church choir and I’m just not “feelin’ it.” You might say, “Well, it’s only September!” but you don’t know me and Christmas. I love Christmas year-round. I’m still singing those tunes in July, most years. I keep finding myself frustrated with what the holidays will look like…or should I say, won’t look like. I find myself wanting to hit fast forward and I know that’s not a good thing. I know I should be cherishing each moment, each day. Then, the child in me lets loose—“But I don’t wanna!”
Let’s be real here. We all have those temper tantrum moments with Life. It’s no excuse but it's reality. When will I be able to grow up and ditch this mentality? I keep asking the Lord to change my heart and I feel like the more I ask, the more I have opportunities to fight it. I could use some serious prayer in this area.
Forgetting & Remembering:
Oh boy. This is a tough one. This category is so closely tied to the others but I felt there were some things that could stand on their own. Alright, deep breath. Here goes.
I feel like crawling into a hole when I’ve discovered that someone has forgotten about River or what we’ve been through. You may think people don’t forget—that they’re just too uncomfortable to bring it up. I’ll say yes, there are some people who fit into this category BUT—there are some that just forget. Wanna know how I know? They’ve told me so.
I think the first time this happened to me I was shocked but still understanding. I think I was too consumed with grief at the time to really think about what it meant for them to forget. Now when someone confesses they have forgotten, I feel like they’ve taken a dagger and pushed it right through my chest, winding down and getting some of my guts on the way too. It hurts because I don’t have the option of forgetting.
It’s really painful when someone starts a conversation about something that would obviously upset a person in my situation and I have to be the one to ask them to stop. Only then do they say, “Oh, sorry. I forgot.”
Forgot? Forgot?!
How does one forget my being pregnant just 14 weeks ago? Especially if they were a part of my life throughout the entire process?
Then, the situations arise that are muddy. The ones where someone will say something inappropriate (by my standards) in relation to death, birth or pregnancy and I just don’t know what to say. Those are the times I am forced to remember what has happened. I don’t think people realize that. I don’t think they realize that when they make a comment about my weight or talk non-stop about someone else’s pregnancy/newborn that they’ve pushed me into a corner of remembrance…and not the good kind. It’s not entirely their fault. I get that. I know that because of what I’ve been through I am more sensitive to these things. I know that I’m also in the minority when it comes to losing a child. I just felt like I needed write it down and get out the fact that it just sucks sometimes.
